The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.
Monday, January 26, 2009
TO BE FREE
Kristy and her sister Laurissa
This morning I watched an episode of Anne of Green Gables. This was one of Kristy's all time favorites. About a young girl who was adopted by an older woman back in the early 1900's. Anne was an extremely outspoken and sensitive girl. When she arrived at Green Gables (small working farm) she was nearly turned away because as she soon found out, she was supposed to be a boy. Back then a girl was not considered to be as valuable as a boy and of course they were even less valuable if opinionated. Anne proved to have a very strong sense of self which continued to land her in trouble. The story of Anne of Green Gables is one of a girl over coming adversity after adversity by sheer force of will and character of heart.
In one scene her teacher tells her "the truth will set you free." This point is constantly in play within Anne's life and ultimately serves her well. The truth was not always easy or timely though. I witnessed this girl's search for love and affection and my heart ached for Kristy. I desperately wished I could go back in time and lavish my love and attention on her. I know I could have done better. There were so many lost opportunities and things I wish I had known when Kristy was still a little girl.
My heart was aching as I remembered Kristy growing up. But as I was sobbing a thought came to me. It was really just a feeling at first. When I allowed it to come to the surface I realized the truth of it. I have always loved Kristy with the same strength and fervor. Time did not always allow me to show it every second of the day, but my love was constant and unwavering. To think Kristy did not know this or feel this love would be a disservice to her. Indeed it would mean she was not able to discern these things - but the truth of the matter is her ability to do just this is what I loved so much about her.
Kristy was a sensitive, kind, caring and empathetic soul. She was also stubborn, opinionated and resourceful. I felt one with her - and of course she knew this! How could she not? Is there any greater comfort than this? I saw her and I know she saw me. In our last years as adults together we became very close and had many meaningful discussions which are a constant reminder to me now.
How can I still be crying - these are really tears of joy and love for my own Anne of Green Gables. The truth is of course, she knew how much I loved her. I think this is what can ultimately set me free.
Today's workout: This is the last week so I am in a reduced workout mode. Today was just 3 miles on the treadmill.