SISTERS

Laurissa and her sister Kristy

Laurissa is Kristy's older sister. When the girls were young, people actually thought they were twins, even though they were born two years apart. Laurissa was always a concerned and doting big sister. She taught Kristy how to hold a pencil for the first time. She read her books before she was able to read for herself. She showed her how to get dressed and to make the bed.

As the two of them grew they continued to share a bed well into grade school. Of course this wasn't always easy for two young girls to do. I remember many nights listening to them fight over the covers and yelling at the top of my lungs, "Don't make me come in there!" As the years flew by, Laurissa grew up to be a petite woman weighing barely 100 pounds. Kristy grew up with what she called "elephant bones". Maybe because she weighed around 11 pounds when she was born!

Both girls grew up strong, healthy and wildly intelligent. Today I not only mourn the loss of my youngest daughter Kristy, but I mourn Laurissa's loss of Kristy as well. I wish I could take it away - that they could once again laugh and giggle the way they always did when they saw each other. Even though they had become adults they revelled in the closeness only sisters can share. I wouldn't even mind if they made fun of me or tried to beat me in a silly little game of "I spy with my little eye".

I didn't call Laurissa as much as I could have. The day I called to tell her about Kristy's death, she was so happy when she answered the phone. I am so sorry sweetie. I wish I could take those terrible words back. I wish I could stop time. I wish I could have you both beside me. I feel guilty that I still have my own sister. A loss such as yours is truly indescribable.

When I see you now, you embody all that is beautiful in my life. You have so much of your sister in you and it shows all the time. But you are unique, a jewel of infinite beauty, and I am so much better for having known you. We have grown very close through all our suffering and grief. I am dreaming of the day when we can again dance and celebrate life together.

Today's run: Instead of running today I walked the lake with my 20 lb. weighted vest. I saw the solitary swan again, floating silently in the cold water.

TAP INTO IT

Mom

More about Bill Moyers' interview with Nikki Giovanni, whose current book, Bicycles, is about love born of grief.

Moyers went on to say her poem "Choices" is his favorite. This is a poem about accepting what you can have, instead what dwelling on what you cannot have. One of the last verses in the poem is Giovanni's reflection on accepting the inevitable, "because that is why mankind alone among the animals learns to cry."

Giovanni has such beautiful, brown, expressive eyes. When she spoke about the death of her mother the pain was evident. She said people close to you can die, but when you lose your mother "there's no one that can enter that boat that you row yourself, back to that place where your deepest fears reside.

One is never so safe again as when one's mother is out there to put their arms around (you). Your mom just makes you safe. No matter what it is you go to your mom, and she says it's gonna be alright. So I had to stop myself from picking up the phone because she wasn't there. But that's who I would have wanted to talk to. I wanted to hear my mother's voice. I knew she'd make some sense out of it for me."

I thought about this today as I was out running. One of the hardest things about Kristy's death is not having a mother or a father to hold on to. They had both experienced the death of a loved one, they would know what to say. But my father died about 5 years ago, and my mother has been ravaged by Alzheimer's disease.

One day when my mother seemed coherent I told her about Kristy. The need to tell her was overwhelming. Not unlike a confession, it was hard to put into words. And like a confession, I felt an immediate release. I held my mother's hands and said to her, "Mom, I have to tell you about Kristy. Kristy's dead - she was run over by a car when she was on her bicycle and she died."

My mom looked at me in a foggy kind of sadness. The fog brought on by the disease which has rendered her powerless to conduct even basic functions of life. She spoke slowly and said to me in a whisper, "The mother outlives the daughter," and turned her head as if looking at some distant object. I burst into tears as my heart was aching for the comfort I knew could never come. This confession gained no release. It was an empty well. When I saw my mother a few days later, she did not remember our conversation. It was like it had never happened and I could not bear to tell her again.

Toward the end of the interview, Giovanni offered this: "Science teaches us, matter is neither created nor destroyed. If that's the case then what was, is. So we lose the body but we keep the spirit. There is an energy and we have to keep finding ways to tap into it." Speaking for myself, this is the one hope I still cling to. The one thing of which I cannot let go. For without it, I am truly alone.

I think writing about how I feel helps me to get through the worst days, and gives me a glimpse of peace on my best days. On the subject of tapping into positive energy, Giovanni says, "I allow myself to do so by writing, by listening and by admitting that I'm sad. I don't always mask a lot of my feelings. There's times you just have to admit - I'm really sad. I just wish I had my mother.."

I, too, wish I had my mother to go to with this heavy burden. I cannot ask her to share it with me, or to try and make sense of it. But what I can do, is feel safe in the knowledge that she loved me and protected me for as long as she was able. And in the end, as a mother, isn't this all we really can do?

Today's run: 7 glorious miles at the lake!

FISH OR CUT BAIT

Kristy and Me

Last night I got a call from a young friend of mine. I had already told my husband Bill, if anyone came by the house I did not want to see them. I was feeling very sad and couldn't seem to see my way out of it. When you're like this it's hard to talk to anyone... I thought about this today as I forced myself to run on the treadmill. Part of not wanting to be around anyone is because I am afraid that if I don't start acting happier I will lose the friends I have. They will feel awkward and not know what to say. There comes a time when you just have to "fish or cut bait" - isn't that how it goes?

So as I sat on the sofa last night I saw the images of the Amgen Pro Tour - all the cyclists doing time trials out on the road with Lance Armstrong. It's terribly rainy and cold here right now and it must have been daunting to take it mile after mile. The cyclists road one of the same routes Kristy did with her teammates. They probably even rode right by her memorial at the side of the highway. My heart ached so deeply, I felt as if someone was sitting on my throat as I tried to keep the sorrow from over flowing. If Kristy were here I would have recorded the races and she and I would be watching them together.

So this is when my young friend called. I call him "my" young friend. He was really Kristy's friend. Now that she is gone he has become mine as well. So I guess he's now our friend. I hadn't spoken to him in a few weeks so it was good to hear his voice. I normally try to be upbeat on the phone, but this evening I could not hide how I felt.

Our friend had written a poem about a beautiful experience he had shared with Kristy. We talked about it and reminisced. I finally had to blurt out what was bothering me. I am afraid at some point my memories of Kristy will become shadowy and I will lose what little I have left of her. You know you've hit a soft spot when it cuts you to the heart, and you have a hard time even speaking about it.

What a tremendous gift he gave me, when he listened as I poured out my heart. And I mean really listened. He was feeling sad too, he admitted. It would come and go for him as well. It's comforting to know I am not alone in this grief. There are others who feel it as well and know it is not simply something you can get over. They don't just try to cheer you up. It is now something you must live with. It goes to bed with you, gets up with you each morning and stays with you throughout the day. Only you can determine where it sits at the table.

As I was running today I thought about last night. About my inability to trust others with my fears. The ones that haunt me seem too terrible to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. The greatest gift is to be able to share these thoughts with someone who understands, maybe because they have them too. I think this is when we are challenged to rise to the occasion. When the other person needs encouragement - in doing so it helps you to listen to the secret part of you that still holds out hope for redemption.

When my daughter Laurissa and I talk it is certainly like this. Our path together is worn deep with tearful journeys and agonizing attempts to understand what has happened. Now I can see clearly, our unconditional love for each other is what has kept us from giving up. There are others too - like my sister who still calls me each day just to talk. My husband who still makes dinner every night and comes home to see me at lunch. My friend David who seems to always know what to say. My brother Jeff who can still make me laugh with his irreverent sense of humor. The greatest gift in the world is knowing I can be myself with them. That I don't ever have to "cut bait". They can accept me for what I have been left with and they don't try to hide themselves from me in return. At this moment I see I have much for which to be thankful.

Why are we so full of restraint? Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves. - Henry Miller

Today's Run: 6 miles on treadmill. It's still raining - tomorrow may be sunny!

INNER SPACE

Photo by Kristy's friend Elliot

I just know there's something about running that bypasses the brain, or the inner thought pattern and links directly into the spirit, or that which is "formless" inside a person.

Many great spiritual leaders throughout time have taught breathing, or the use of one's breath as a means of enlightenment, as a way to sense inner spaciousness. So maybe this has something to do with it.

But this inner spaciousness is not something you can search for or will to happen. You must simply open yourself up to the possibility. Zen Masters would say Zen is something you know without knowing what it is you know; from this space emanates a peace that is not "of this world." (Western interpretation: A peace that passes all understanding?)

"Once you see and accept the transience of all thing and the inevitability of change, you can enjoy the pleasures of the world while they last without fear of loss of anxiety about the future. When you are detached, you gain a higher vantage point from which to view the events in your life instead of being trapped inside them. You become like an astronaut who sees the planet Earth surrounded by the vastness of space and realizes a paradoxical truth: The earth is precious and at the same time insignificant." - A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle

Tolle uses this explanation to describe a feeling of spaciousness: When you look out into a starry night sky - that feeling of wonder and insignificance you experience is not because of its beauty. Its because of the unfathomable depth of space. Something within you "resonates with recognition."

So when our consciousness is no longer controlled by our thinking, some of it remains in its "formless, unconditioned, original state." This is inner space. This is where the act of breathing comes into play. By the very fact we become aware of our breathing, we take attention away from thinking and thus create space, or consciousness.

My theory about running is that it is one way of forcing us into the present moment. Spiritual teachers throughout time have been telling us that being in the present moment is the way to consciousness. What happens to me when I am running is like a state of heightened alertness and creativity. It allows one to be in the present moment and cease thinking. It stops the mind!

This doesn't seem to happen to me as much when I am running in a gym on a treadmill surrounded by lots of noise, people, and distractions. But when I am running outside in a beautiful setting like a park or a lake it allows my mind to shut off. I can still operate effectively, but it is like I am on "auto-pilot." I am free to feel and sense things which are not consciously acknowledged - things which are operating in 'the back ground' so to speak.

When I am running I am able to put "space" into my life. To shut off the constant chatter of my mind and find peace. For this I am truly thankful. I am not concerned about being a fast runner or even being a particularly good runner. Right now, at this moment, I just want some peace in my life.

Today's workout: Due to threat of rain today's 5.5 miles were run on a treadmill. Can my body still be tired from the race?

THE DARK CORNER

Writing in this online journal has become a catharsis for me. It's odd to write down my private thoughts. At the same time it seems the less I edit what I write the more it seems to make sense. Anyway, I was thinking about what I wrote the other day about finding truth and it setting you free. It seems like such a little thing. But as soon as I typed it I knew it was really a big thing.

In the darkest corner of my mind the one question I want to ask of everyone that knew Kristy is, "Did she know how much I loved her?" But why would this be so important? Why is this the one thing that makes me break into tears every time and keeps me awake at night. And why am I afraid and even embarrassed to ask?

When your daughter is alive you don't walk up to her and say, "Do you know how much I love you?" The question is self defeating. What you're really doing is asking for confirmation when you really don't want to do the hard work of making sure, you just want the "yes." And the other person knows this and just gives you what you want. On the other hand, this is what you're telling your loved one over and over each time you show them - from the smallest kindness to the largest sacrifice. Love is not passive. When someone is truly loved they know it. If there's anything I want to be sure of it's that my daughter knew how much I loved her.

I have spent the last 10 months of my life trying to make sense of what has happened. There are so many questions. I wonder what my life would be like if this had not happened. Would I know then what I know now - how indescribably precious every day is?

Today's workout: 30 minutes cross training at the gym. My nose is getting stuffy, what a bad time to be fighting a cold!

LET IT DEVOUR YOU

When I was running today I thought about this: According to Buddhist belief, the reason people suffer is because all things change. We all live in a fleeting, transitory world but we all stubbornly refuse to admit it. We cling to what is impermanent - the greatest evidence of this is our fear of death. Suffering would stop if we could achieve indifference to pain and loss. If we would not desire, then we would be free. Unfortunately the price of this is to be indifferent to the joys of life as well, by treating both the same.

The Buddha's doctrine is notable for its simplicity. It was the first true atheistic religion. The Buddha felt that life, despite pleasure, was primarily about recurring loss and separation. But are we to withstand life's suffering by not allowing life to touch us? Isn't this like the words in Pink Floyd's song, becoming "comfortably numb?"

When Kristy first died it was as if time stood still. The pain was so deep and constant it was in fact like an amputation. Our experience of time is based upon movement, things changing. When nothing matters - nothing moves or changes, when everything turns off, there is no more time. This is death. This is not being alive, this is the absence of life.

The opposite of not allowing circumstances to alter your state of mind, is to let it devour you. The "rapture of being alive" - the full-bodied experience. Kristy once wrote: "My life is passing quickly. I do not expect to be made happy at every turn. Neither do I expect my heart to plod along safely, nor do I want it to. My only expectation is that I feel deeply. Pain, pleasure, grief, euphoria, loneliness, fulfillment and onward. I would be silly and ungrateful to resent the fact that it didn't last longer. I don't care anymore about keeping my heart safe."

Is this what "let it be" really means?

Today's workout: This was my last run at the lake before the race on Sunday. It's hard to believe I have come so far. As I started up the path I met my friend Emily. I have not spoken with Emily in a long time, but it was she who touched my heart last summer when I was still just walking the lake. Now, 7 months later, we meet again. We are on the road to healing and we are like sisters. Thank you Emily.

TO BE FREE

Kristy and her sister Laurissa


This morning I watched an episode of Anne of Green Gables. This was one of Kristy's all time favorites. About a young girl who was adopted by an older woman back in the early 1900's. Anne was an extremely outspoken and sensitive girl. When she arrived at Green Gables (small working farm) she was nearly turned away because as she soon found out, she was supposed to be a boy. Back then a girl was not considered to be as valuable as a boy and of course they were even less valuable if opinionated. Anne proved to have a very strong sense of self which continued to land her in trouble. The story of Anne of Green Gables is one of a girl over coming adversity after adversity by sheer force of will and character of heart.

In one scene her teacher tells her "the truth will set you free." This point is constantly in play within Anne's life and ultimately serves her well. The truth was not always easy or timely though. I witnessed this girl's search for love and affection and my heart ached for Kristy. I desperately wished I could go back in time and lavish my love and attention on her. I know I could have done better. There were so many lost opportunities and things I wish I had known when Kristy was still a little girl.

My heart was aching as I remembered Kristy growing up. But as I was sobbing a thought came to me. It was really just a feeling at first. When I allowed it to come to the surface I realized the truth of it. I have always loved Kristy with the same strength and fervor. Time did not always allow me to show it every second of the day, but my love was constant and unwavering. To think Kristy did not know this or feel this love would be a disservice to her. Indeed it would mean she was not able to discern these things - but the truth of the matter is her ability to do just this is what I loved so much about her.

Kristy was a sensitive, kind, caring and empathetic soul. She was also stubborn, opinionated and resourceful. I felt one with her - and of course she knew this! How could she not? Is there any greater comfort than this? I saw her and I know she saw me. In our last years as adults together we became very close and had many meaningful discussions which are a constant reminder to me now.

How can I still be crying - these are really tears of joy and love for my own Anne of Green Gables. The truth is of course, she knew how much I loved her. I think this is what can ultimately set me free.

Today's workout: This is the last week so I am in a reduced workout mode. Today was just 3 miles on the treadmill.

THE PARADOX OF TIME

Sometimes you are fortunate enough to read a book which can truly change your perception. This has happened to me a few times but when it does you feel a shift in the way you see yourself and your place in the universe.

I am a fan of Oprah. Through the years I have read many of the books she has recommended and even shared them with Kristy. Not too long ago I saw an interview on the Oprah show with a man named Eckhart Tolle, who was touted as a contemporary spiritual teacher. I was intrigued by what he said and wrote his name down on a piece of paper along with the name of his book, "A New Earth".

Well circumstances intervened and I soon forgot about the book and it's perceived importance. But wait a minute! Last week I found the little scrap of paper with his name scrawled on it and decided it was time to read his book. Let me state the obvious by saying I am in serious need of spiritual encouragement at this time in my life.

This is what Tolle has to say on the paradox of time: "On the surface, the present moment is "what happens." Since what happens changes continuously, it seems that every day of your life consists of thousands of moments in which different things happen. Time is seen as the endless succession of moments, some "good", some "bad." Yet, if you look more closely, that is to say, through your own immediate experience, you find that there are not many moments at all. You discover that there is only ever this moment. Life is always now. Your entire life unfolds in this constant NOW. Even past or future moments only exist when you remember or anticipate them, and you do so by thinking about them in the only moment there is: this one.

Why does it appear then as if there were many moments? Because the present moment is confused with what happens, confused with content. The space of Now is confused with what happens in that space. The confusion of the present moment with content gives rise not only to the illusion of time, but also to the illusion of ego. Everything seems to be subject to time, yet it all happens in the Now. That is the paradox.

Wherever you look there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time - a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared to your face in a photo taken thirty years ago - yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment, or rather what happens in it. If you go by direct evidence only, then there is no time, and the Now is all there ever is.

For the ego to survive, it must make time - past and future - more important than the present moment. So instead of adding time to yourself, remove time. The elimination of time from your consciousness is the elimination of ego. It is the only true spiritual practice."

For myself, I know the feeling I have when I remember Kristy is the most comforting place I can be. This makes her alive. She is present in the now - which is all I have. All I have ever had. When I can no longer think of her only then will she be gone. In this way she is still alive in me, alive in the present moment of me. I never had any more of her than this as the past cannot be more important than the present moment.

Today's workout: 60 minutes on elliptical trainer

JUST A GIRL

Only weeks before Kristy's death she confided in me how life changing it was to have a coach that believed in her abilities. Someone who didn't hold her back because of preconceived notions of what she was capable of achieving. She didn't want to compete as a woman athlete. She wanted to compete as the best athlete she could be. She hated it when she was pigeon holed as a woman athlete. I know she radiated a feeling of possibilities when around others. It was just part of who she was and what she expected from others.

When Kristy was in Junior High she would go to the basketball courts to shoot baskets after school was out. Her first sport was basketball and she was soooo good. She would come home nearly every night with a story of how some group of boys would come onto the court and end up challenging her to a game. She would then proceed to totally shatter their dreams of grandeur. They got beaten by a girl. She was upset that she had to go through this day after day, but I could tell she was inwardly pleased to know she could beat them. There was never any question in her mind. Ever.

I would like to share something Kristy's friend wrote shortly after her death. This man's comments underscore the fact Kristy never bragged about her amazing abilities or accomplishments. In fact she was exactly the opposite. She was always thinking of the other person and how they might feel.

I remember the first time I met Kristy was at Shadow Cliffs for an open water swim. I had fins on so I could take it easy, or so I thought. Even with my fins, I felt like I was stopped in the water while Kristy would fly by me like a missile and then zoom back by me the other way so we wouldn't get too far apart.After the swim, I learned that she did triathlons and was going to ride her Cervelo for a brick. I mentioned that I also do triathlons and we decided to go for a run after our next swim. I'm a much stronger runner than a swimmer so I figured I'd be able to hold my own when we did the run. WRONG! Once again, I felt like I was standing still.

Of course, cycling is my best event so the next time we swam the open waters of Shadow Cliffs we decided to ride our bikes afterwards. Although I was getting a pretty good idea that I was outclassed I just knew I'd be able to hang with her now. You guessed it...wrong again.

Although we had shared quite a bit of conversation throughout our few training sessions together, it took Google for me to learn that she was a professional triathlete and had just recently won the Auburn International Triathlon! She was a wonderfully friendly person with an incredible sense of humor and I couldn't help but give her a bad time that she was making a joke out of me, a middle of the pack age grouper. :-) She will be sorely missed. The only solace I can find is that she died doing what she loved doing and most people will live twice as long or longer and never achieve half as much as she did. I can't say rest in peace because I'm sure that rather than resting she's probably tearing it up up there like she did down here. Bless you Kristy.

George Brumm (Fremont, CA)

Today's workout: 6 miles at the gym. Finally - under 11 minute miles even though I went to bed last night with a bad sore throat and felt I was still sick. I thought of Kristy today when I was running. I know she would never let this kind of thing slow her down.

OUCH

The following entry was written yesterday by a man who never met Kristy but knew of her from fellow riders. The photo above had a caption written by Kristy which said, "Ouch". She would never show it when she was hurting as the following confirms.

A friend of mine used to tell me last year of a female on his team that had this amazing ability to suffer without showing. He would tell me " I never know when she is hurting but yet I know she is". He told me as he grew to know her she was a very complex and amazing spirit!

He told me he would introduce me to her at a race or training ride someday. That someday never happened but Kristy I still feel as if I have met you. I think your presence here on earth will be remembered and admired for years to come. God bless your Family.

Today's workout: Feeling sick and stayed inside all day instead of cross training at the gym. Hope this isn't becoming a pattern.

DREAM WITHIN A DREAM

Photo of Kristy's friend Tanya

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

Kristy shared the first part of the poem with her friend Catherine. But she left out the second part. It seems to me as if the second part could be my reply. I must open my hand. But there remains the roar.

Today's workout: 6 miles on the treadmill. Still running an 11 minute mile. Darn!

GLORIOUS

I arrived at the lake and sat in the car with the radio on listening to Barak Obama's acceptance speech. The sun was glistening through the trees and the mist was still rising. My mind took me back to conversations with Kristy about our hopes for his election. She enthusiastically voted for Obama in the primaries.

Obama really connected with the younger generation. We specifically discussed his assertion that "we are not Republicans or Democrats but Americans." As I sat there listening to his message of hope and determination I felt a deep sense of gratitude that he was moving the nation out of our deepening sense of hopelessness.

It was a glorious morning. Kristy used to use the word "glorious" to describe things she especially liked. I loved to hear her say something was glorious. I am sure she would have used it this morning and I wanted so much to hear her say it.

After Obama's speech I got out of the car and started my ascent. Every time I see the forest and the lake I am struck by it's beauty. Kristy had run here for nearly 15 years. She knew the trails like the back of her hand and as I run along I try to imagine which landmarks she would pick out as she sped by. I try to imagine what she would think about on those long runs. I am sure it would have included the word glorious.

As I speed by this morning I can hear her saying it. At this moment I know what she is thinking. She is caught up in the glory of being alive, of doing what you want with your life, of accepting no boundaries; the glory of being Kristy.

I smile and my heart swells with love and pride. In this moment I see her and hear her as she laughs out loud. She is screaming -- glorious!

Today's workout: 6 mile run at lake

WORLD CHAMPION WATCH

One of my favorite presents from Kristy was the Ironman watch she won in Hawaii. She gave it to me with this sweet little note and of course - some of the coveted ginger candy! To me the note is much more precious than the watch but I can't wear it, so the watch will have to do.

I am thinking about you today. My birthday just isn't the same without you. You were the greatest gift ever. Thank you for being you.

Today's workout: 60 minutes cross training on bike. I need to get some ice bags for my knees.

THE COUNT

Kristy sits on the sofa with Jack where they watched many movies together

Last night I watched a show on Masterpiece Theater by Charles Dickens entitled Bleak House. It was one Kristy and I had seen many times before. I was reminded again how much she liked this genre of film. But not only did she like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility and Jane Eyre - she loved all of Clint Eastwood's movies, like Dirty Harry and The Good the Bad and the Ugly. One day she and I watched the Gladiator. Afterwards she went out and bought the CD. She loved movies dealing with issues of fairness, conviction, retribution and ultimate victory over oppression. When the little guy came out on top she was the one cheering the loudest!

One of her favorite books was The Count of Monte Cristo. One year she gave me her old paperback copy. It had been read many times and was in pretty sorry shape. She looked at me and said, "You have no idea how special this book is to me... I want you to have it." I was honored more than I can say. Since then I have read it many times.

A few years later I gave her the Count of Monte Cristo video series which had just come out on PBS. It starred Gerard Depardieu, another favorite. Some days I would walk into the living room and she would be curled up on the sofa with the room all dark - watching intently. These types of movies would always make us both cry. And even though she was "all grown up" she still would watch her Anne of Green Gables.

I was thinking about this today and was reminded of an anecdote I read called "Personal Touch":

Dr. Charles Dickson tells a of man who stopped at a flower shop to have flowers wired to his mother 200 miles away. As he left, he noticed a little girl sobbing on the curb in front of the shop. When he inquired what was wrong, she explained that she wanted to buy a rose for her mother, but it cost $2.00 and she only had 75 cents. He bought the rose for the girl and offered her a ride home. She agreed if he would also take her to her mother. She directed him to a cemetery where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave. The man returned to the flower shop and cancelled the order. Instead, he got in his car and drove 200 miles to his mother's home to personally deliver a bouquet of local flowers.

Time is short. How many chances do we have left?

Today's workout: 7 miles at the lake. It was beautiful and the weather was just right. I was tired and ran slow. I now know better than to eat two bowls of oatmeal and then try to run. But I finished!

THE WISH BIRD

This little story was written by Kristy when she was 11. It talks about her favorite subjects: candy and tricking her brother(s). It also talks about dying and coming back to life:

If I had a wish bird I would wish that I could make the world stop. Then I would eat all of the candy in the world. Then I'd wish I could fly. Then I could go on the roof and if my brother told I would fly away. But what would happen if I fell and went casplat. Or got too fat and died right smack on the ground!

One day I died but God sent me back. When I came back boy was I skinny, so I went back to the candy store to be normal weight. I went home but was so tired I could not talk to the wish bird. She could not start the world again.

But one hour I had the courage to get to the wish bird and change the world to normal. I got up and walked to the bird. I wished that the world would be normal. And it was.

Today's workout: 13 mile run at the lake. Now I know for sure I can do the distance. The first mile my legs were stiff. Miles 3 and 4 were the best. After 6 miles I was tired but decided I needed to stop thinking about finishing and just enjoy the experience. This made all the difference and the next 6 were very doable. The last miles included some steep hills which made it a challenge. Looking forward to February 1st!

THE PROTECTIVE EYE

Looking out my window this morning I see the Protective Eye. The blue and white glass eye Kristy brought home from a trip to Turkey. Before she left she asked me if she could bring back anything for me. I told her about the Turkish custom of the "Protective Eye". When I was a small girl my parents brought one back from their journey into Turkey. I was always fascinated by it. One sad year it was lost when my mother's house was burglarized.

When Kristy returned she brought with her four different Protective Eyes! She said it was such a big thing there, they sold so many variations of it in the market she couldn't resist buying as many as possible. The others were on necklaces. The largest one has been hanging outside in our garden among purple and yellow flowers ever since. The blue light that shines from it when the sun hits it in the morning is magical.

Kristy told me it was sad to have to pretend she was not an American while she was in Turkey. At the time it was really not safe to travel but she and her boyfriend Clas had a special place to stay. When they went out into the villages she would try not to speak and most thought she was Swedish (like Clas). This was much safer for them. All the traveling she did gave her a unique perspective on the world. She was much more informed than most and much more compassionate. She was always thankful for what she had.

Today I get to look at the sun shinning through the Protective Eye. I can't say it protected Kristy. But then how can I know for sure. I'm not sure what to think, really. It does seem comforting to look at an object so beautiful and remember the joy she gave me. That sparkle in her eyes, that flash of wit. We spent many hours in the garden together. All I know for certain is that any little spark of beauty is appreciated and I will never take it down.

Today's workout: 7 miles on treadmill at the gym. The tempo runs are working! Today my 7 miles were 2 minutes faster than the last 7 miles on Tuesday.

IMAGINE

The lake was beautiful this morning. It was cold and misty with no one around. The early morning is always the best time to run.

As I was running I thought about all the help and support I have received. A dear friend of mine sent me this note a few months ago:

"I got your card today, Karen, and of course I was touched once again with the sadness that comes from contemplating Kristy's death and how deeply this has hurt you. But I am optimistic, too, that even as it becomes a part of you, this hurt is still only a part of you, not the whole, and that your nature will not let it stop you from being fully of this world and in this world, for yourself and as an example for everyone who also has to endure the loss of Kristy." It is friends like this, my family, and others, who have made the difference.

I am hopeful the stories of Kristy's life will achieve this for each person who takes the time to read them. Kristy is gone but she will never be forgotten. She is now a part of all of us. Her poems bear her soul and show us a deeply spiritual being. Stories of what she did and who she was can make us all better human beings. Thank you.

Today's workout: This was the longest run of the training to date. I am happy to say I ran the full 12 miles in one fell swoop. The last mile was the hardest, but as I passed by "that" hill (where Kristy pushed me up on the bicycle) I yelled out "Bring it on!" But that's another story.....

DREAMS OF KRISTY

Written today by Kristy's sister Laurissa:

I dream of Kristy - again. And again she comes back to life and we are together. I dream about her at least once a week since March. This is the third time she has "come back to life". In the first of these dreams I found her in a small cabin out in the woods where a man had taken her after her accident for her to recover. I was so upset when I found out she had been alive this whole time and didn't tell me somehow. I wanted to tell her how hard things had been for me, and how I had suffered thinking she was dead. But I couldn't really communicate with her... something was wrong. She was so silent and distant. I awoke sobbing and cried many tears for days...

In the second one, she came back and we went down to a small bridge that was flowing over a little creek in the forest. We hung out there together for many hours. She told me that she was done with being dead and was back now. Our talking was so relaxed and natural. It felt like we have always been together, just as it did in life. We didn't need to exchange many words and our understanding was complete. I was so content to be with her. The rest of the world didn't matter. We stayed there until dark and into the early hours of the dark morning and then we went to see our Grandmother, Zee. No one else had seen her yet and we went there. We walked a long way in the dark. When we got there, Zee and Karen appeared in a balcony that we were climbing up to and they gushed over Kristy for a long time, not even noticing me standing there. They touched her face, hair and hands as I stood, invisible, watching life and family take my sister back.

Now, here in the southern most part of Mexico, I dream her alive again. She is at the Broadmoor house and has come back to us from the world of the dead. We are all gathered around her as if she is some celebrity, sitting in a wooden chair in the center of the small bedroom. I eventually wrap my arms around her waist and weep. I am releasing the tears I held inside when I thought that I had all the days of my life ahead of me to face without her. Now she was here and I could breathe again and let those tears fall, forever gone. My sister is back. But there was work to do - a forest fire had started and they needed my help to put it out... of course, I couldn't do anything, couldn't leave Kristy's side.

Today's workout: 60 minutes Cross Training at the gym. Today I met Peta's race coordinator who is also in training. Alex is a very caring person who is giving me advice on how to run a smart race. Kristy would like her. I shared a photo of Kristy and Jack with her that I carry with me everywhere.

SELF PORTRAIT

When Kristy was in third grade she drew this portrait of herself. All through grade school she was known as being a good artist. She also played the violin. One day many years later she told me why she had given up drawing. She said it was because she couldn't draw as well as I could. She was discouraged and had decided she wanted to do one thing better than anyone. And that's when she came to the realization she was going to be the best athlete in the world.

We would talk about this every now and then. She and I both had a love for art and for independent physical endeavors. We didn't like team sports much but we liked running, exercising and bicycling. When our family was younger and we lived in Modesto I used to ride my bike to work. I was also an avid wind surfer. As the years passed we both developed a sort of fulfillment in the other's successes. She helped me in my art career and admired my art work. I helped her in her athletic career and admired her achievements. We were constantly comparing and contrasting the similarities of the two passions.

So much of what one does is hard work and dedication. But there is always that wild card lurking - when something happens to throw everything off. This happened to each of us. We knew it happened and that it would continue to happen. In previous times it used to bother Kristy quite a bit. But during her last year she had come to experience a great calming peace by accepting it's inevitability. The inevitability of impermanence. Of all things changing and nothing being certain. This is what she was teaching me.

About four months before Kristy died she gave me a book by Pema Chodron, entitled: "When Things Fall Apart". It was changing her life she said. And so it was. I could see the difference almost immediately. She was so open and compassionate - and so at peace. When I first walked into her room after she was gone I saw this book by her bed. I opened it to this passage:

"Impermanence is a principle of harmony. When we don't struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality. Many cultures celebrate this connectedness. There are ceremonies making all the transitions of life from birth to death, as well as meetings and partings, going into battle, losing the battle, and winning the battle. We too could acknowledge, respect, and celebrate impermanence.

But what about suffering? Why would we celebrate suffering? Doesn't that sound masochistic? Our suffering is based so much on our fear of impermanence. Our pain is so rooted in our one-sided, lopsided view of reality. Who ever got the idea that we could have pleasure without pain? It's promoted rather widely in this world, and we buy it. But pain and pleasure go together; they are inseparable. They can be celebrated. They are ordinary. Birth is painful and delightful. Death is painful and delightful. Everything that ends is also the beginning of something else. Pain is not a punishment; pleasure is not a reward."

I am trying Kristy - but I miss you so much.

Today's workout: 70 minutes cross training at gym.

OVERWORKED & UNDERPAYED

When Kristy was 13 she described herself to her classmates:

Busy. Friendly. Overworked and underpayed.

Sister to Laurissa, Gabe and Valient.

Lover of basketball, Friday nights and parties.

Who feels sad on Monday morning and happy when Dominoes arrives at the door and ecstatic at 3:01.

Who fears phone restriction, report card season, and huge projects.

Who would like to see 49ers win the Super Bowl, my 6th period teacher drop dead, and school end at 12:00.

Resident of San Leandro.

She also wrote this essay about dogs:

"If I were a dog I would have an easy life. First, I would make sure that I had a nice loving family. I would run around all day. Then I would sleep a little and eat a LOT! I would have a lazy life.

Well...one day I was outside chasing a bird when 'Jane' opened the door and called me in, and since I was so muddy I knew it meant a bath for sure. So then I ran away. Finally, she caught me and sure enough took me to the bathroom and gave me a bath. Then I was taken for a walk, but when Jane went into the store I escaped and ran to the lake and chased all the gulls around, and by the time I work up from my nap it was very dark. So I ran all the way home and found my worried family waiting. That night I was allowed to sleep on Jane's bed. It was a very good day."

Today's workout: 11 mile run at the lake. This should have been a shorter run but I felt I needed to make up for all the time I spent on the treadmill while the weather was poor.