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| Lake Cabot Where Kristy Ran |
I wrote this to a friend today, reflecting on Kristy and my journey of the last 12 years...
"I have felt profound regret for many things. Some so trivial it was only a way I think to allow myself a diversion from the bigger picture. I still remember the day I finally decided to hold on to something besides the pain. It was while driving to work at the gallery in Prescott with tears blinding my eyes. I was so accustomed to the lump in my throat and the overwhelming pressure of denial that it had become a symbol of my love for Kristy. Without it what would I replace it with? Acceptance seemed impossible.
Funny though that in my dreaming moments when I wake or go to sleep I still remember my regrets. The times I could have, should have still haunt me. Not the times I made her happy, but the times I disappointed her. But I kept coming back to the facts... I loved her. She was. She lived and loved and was truly alive.
I remember soon after her death when I was closing out her bank account and the banker said, "Well at least you know she is now with God and has no more pain." I was incensed. I immediately replied, "She did not believe in God and neither do I." I now realize it was cruel of me and unnecessary. But these things stay in your mind. I also remember feeling more alive (though not always in a good way) than I ever had. The lines between dimensions had been blurred. I saw Kristy in unexpected places. I knew she was seeing things through my eyes. I felt life and I felt death. My heart was ruptured and was filled with strange new feelings and experiences I could not explain.
I have grieved her as a part of me and I have accepted now the reality of her death. Today I am utterly amazed at my friends who celebrate their loved ones graduation to the spirit realm. This is not who I am yet, though I am closer now than I was 12 years ago.
I feel that continuing to allow myself to exhibit grief at this point is an act of selfishness and prevents me from being truly open to those around me. It must seem as a constant complaint to many as there are only so many times you can say you are sorry. What I do feel strongly is that it allows me to feel compassion for those who have also lost their children. I will never consider offering consolation to them as unnecessary. It is a different person who goes forward after this type of loss. Taking their hand is like giving your love to both the griever and the grieved, and it is my way of honoring Kristy as well."
