The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.

If you have lost someone in your life, I offer these words and verse (some Kristy's, some mine and others) with the hope it may touch your heart and help you heal.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


The following excerpts are from a book I am currently reading, "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser:

People say
that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.
I don't think that's what we're really seeking.
I think that what we're seeking
is an experience of being alive...
so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.

"How odd that if we reject what is painful, we find only more pain, but if we embrace what is within us - if we peer fearlessly into the shadows, we stumble upon the light. "The only true wisdom lives far from mankind, out in the great loneliness, and can be reached only through suffering."

The great loneliness - like the loneliness a caterpillar endures when she wraps herself in a silky shroud and begins the long transformation from chrysalis to butterfly. It seems that we too must go through such a time, when life as we have known it is over - when being a caterpillar feels somehow false and yet we don't know who we are supposed to become. All we know is that something bigger is calling us to change. And though we must make the journey alone, and even if suffering is our only companion, soon enough we will become a butterfly, soon enough we will taste the rapture of being alive."

I can now say with certainty I know that grief is the loneliest of all emotions. No one can grieve for you or even with you. It is truly "the great loneliness." But when the life we have known is over and we have indeed experienced our own death, what is next? Sometimes I feel I can see a light ahead and I don't want to turn away. The safety and familiarity of the darkness surely cannot last forever. It seems impossible to embrace joy and sorrow as equals but this may be the only way.

Today's workout: None - the hour rapidly approaches for the race. Instead of doing my 30 minute cross training today I chose to visit the Peta headquarters. I am running this race in honor of Kristy, but I am also raising money and awareness for one of her passions - animal rights and compassion. The workout can wait for tomorrow!


  1. Grief is lonely. You must have felt it badly. After the accident people were there to comfort you. Did they drop away after a few weeks? No more calls or visits especially from you closest friends.
    It is odd if this happened. Just when you need added support, none appears.I found( not from personal experience)that they stay away so as not to to open the wounds afresh, thinking they are helping you! How wrong they are. You need help and support for a long while. I'm here in my own litle way to boost you efforts.
    In circumstances, I'm closer than you realise. Best wishes.

  2. Wow- how beautiful! I am so inspired and moved by your words and your journey. Thank you for all you share here!
    My thoughts are with you often!
    Melanie Jaramillo (Elliot's sister)

  3. I have been extremely fortunate to have friends and family during this time who have helped to guide me. When I was unable to care for myself they were my hands, when I was unable to stand they were my legs, and when I was unable to cope with the rigors of daily life they were my inspiration. I owe everyone a great deal and I am truly thankful.

  4. You are a special person!Blessed peace.