The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.

If you have lost someone in your life, I offer these words and verse (some Kristy's, some mine and others) with the hope it may touch your heart and help you heal.
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Thursday, January 15, 2009

POWERLESSNESS


My Dark Angel by Karen Clarkson

When the sultan asked the lad why he was in such haste the boy replied, "I just saw Death standing in the palace garden, and when he saw me, he stretched out his arms as if to threaten me. I must lose no time in escaping him."

Agreeing, the sultan gave the boy his swiftest horse. When he left, the ruler angrily stalked into his garden and demanded to know of Death how he dared to intimidate the son of the sultan.

Death listened, astonished, and answered, "I assure you I did not threaten your son. I only threw up my arms in surprise at seeing him here because I have a rendezvous with him tonight in Bagdad."

The sultan, the most powerful man in his country, knew then what bereaved parents have since learned. There are certain things we are powerless to change.

Because the death of a child, and its accompanying feeling of powerlessness, go against the most basic of parental instincts - that of protecting our offspring - the burden this emotion places upon us is doubly great. Faced with such a catastrophic finality, we bereaved parents all too often believe we should have been able to avert the tragedy. When the feeling of powerlessness sets in, we find ourselves in the sorry situation of having to deal not only with our bereavement but also with our inability to have prevented it.

Powerlessness is one of the true quagmires of grief that we will encounter and one of the most painful stages in coming to terms with grief. We can measure the importance of coping with powerlessness by the sheer weight of its difficulty.

The above is an expert from a book by Harriet Sarnoff Scriff, "The Bereaved Parent". The feeling of powerlessness she describes here is so strong it does not let go. Even months after Kristy's death it still has me in its grip. Why didn't I talk with her more about her views on death - because now I will never know the answer to some of my questions. Why didn't I hug her every day, why didn't I call her back that one time. I left her a message on Friday night and on Sunday she was dead. Why didn't I say then what I was going to tell her when she called back? And the biggest, baddest one of all. The one I can't stop asking myself - why wasn't I with her when she died?

For me I think running is not just a way to fill my days with a positive, goal oriented activity but it is allowing me to feel more in control. To hold back this feeling of powerlessness for a short time. I can do something after all. I can honor her life in some small way. It's what I have at this moment and I am hanging on to it with everything I have.


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