The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.

If you have lost someone in your life, I offer these words and verse (some Kristy's, some mine and others) with the hope it may touch your heart and help you heal.

Monday, April 13, 2009


The Marion Berries Kristy and I planted
are just starting to flower. Soon they will
bring forth large juicy fruit. We loved to
eat them right off the bush.

I worked in our garden today Kristy. I saw you
everywhere, and when the sun went down I
came inside and wrote these words to you.

I step out onto the deck and you are there
Bending over the boards as you sand each one
I step into the house and you are here
Riding a floor sander in jerky pirouettes
I'll never forget what you said
"There's allot of love in these floors"
When I sit in the garden I see you still
On your knees laying stone upon stone
So proud of your fiery red peppers

I close my eyes
And step back into my world
Your memory is very much alive
Yet I am very much


It is not necessary to hope
in order to persevere.
- Dutch motto

Friday, April 10, 2009


Kristy and Jack

I was watching the dogs play outside a few minutes ago. I suddenly remembered Kristy asking me shortly before she died, "How long do you think Jack will live?" I can remember it as if it was yesterday. It was a beautiful day and we were enjoying the sun in the back yard.

For those of you who don't know, Jack is our rescue dog. Kristy had only recently lost her childhood pet, a little terrier named Sonya. When Sonya died at the ripe old age of 18, Kristy was overcome with grief. For years she doted over her and tended to her every need.

Having lost so much, Kristy instinctively thought of the inevitable when letting her heart go out to our new dog, Jack. I reassured her by responding, "I think he will live a good long time, just like Sonya." She was hugging Jack at that moment and she never looked up. Without missing a beat she said,"Good."

Love it seems is never so precious as when it has been lost. I will never be able to replace Kristy. I think I will spend the rest of my life looking for something to ease the loss. I am sure it will take a good long time.

Strange that all future love will forever be altered by Kristy's existence. I will be reminded of my love for her each time I try to love again.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


The garden beckoned
with parched throat
and tangled root

Hungry fingers
reaching skyward
gently waving

I see you here
the small damp place
quiet and still

Demanding silence
and in return
gasping release

Friday, April 3, 2009


Kristy at 9 years in her favorite outfit

There are reminders of you everywhere
Your hair brush
Your books
Your socks
You once gave them a life
They touched
Your hair
Your skin
Your feet
They went on journeys
Ran new trails
Brought forth new horizons
But they sit alone now
A mere shadow
A shell
An outline
A chasm
I put them on
I read them
I hold them close
But they cannot say
They cannot know
They cannot feel
They mock me

Dear Kristy, I wrote this poem for you this morning. I was cleaning out a closet and found a book I had been reading; it seems a life time ago. I was keeping my place with a small photo of you. I remember when you and I were discussing the book and we both had a laugh when I showed you the photo. In it you are wearing a very miss-matched outfit. You told me you loved the pants as well as the sweater. It's so true, I remember you wearing them all the time. I wish I had them now.