People who read this blog may get the idea I am doing okay without you Kristy. I am not sure what okay really is, but I read this morning something I wrote to you exactly one month after you died. It is still the way I feel each morning before I make the choice to get up.
"So here I sit trying to decide what I want to do. My life will never be as sweet now that you are gone. You always made things bearable. When I wanted to talk at night I would just pick up the phone and call you. The same with you. I was always amazed at how much love you showed me. I feel so alone now. I really cannot say for sure I want to live in a world without you.
Now that it's been a month most people have stopped calling. Everyone seems to be getting back to 'normal'. I know you would not approve of me wallowing in such self pity. But you did not need me as much as I needed you. All I can do now is write to you as if you can still hear me.
Why can't I just pretend you are on a trip somewhere and that you'll be back soon. Why can't I believe there's a God and I will see you again? If I had only known that day would be the last time I would see you alive, I would have thrown myself in front of your car before you drove away from the house.
Remember when you were at the grocery store (Trader Joe's) and your car would not start? You called me from the parking lot and I got on the computer to trouble shoot the problem while you waited for AAA. It was a common problem with that model. Well they weren't able to get it started either so they towed it to a gas station near the house. You were so concerned that you were inconveniencing people at the store by taking up a parking place for such a long time. That's the type of person you had become!
Now I am faced with longing for you the rest of my life. What if you had not been born? I'm not sure I can answer this question. Just as I cannot answer whether I want to be in a world without you in it."
"So here I sit trying to decide what I want to do. My life will never be as sweet now that you are gone. You always made things bearable. When I wanted to talk at night I would just pick up the phone and call you. The same with you. I was always amazed at how much love you showed me. I feel so alone now. I really cannot say for sure I want to live in a world without you.
Now that it's been a month most people have stopped calling. Everyone seems to be getting back to 'normal'. I know you would not approve of me wallowing in such self pity. But you did not need me as much as I needed you. All I can do now is write to you as if you can still hear me.
Why can't I just pretend you are on a trip somewhere and that you'll be back soon. Why can't I believe there's a God and I will see you again? If I had only known that day would be the last time I would see you alive, I would have thrown myself in front of your car before you drove away from the house.
Remember when you were at the grocery store (Trader Joe's) and your car would not start? You called me from the parking lot and I got on the computer to trouble shoot the problem while you waited for AAA. It was a common problem with that model. Well they weren't able to get it started either so they towed it to a gas station near the house. You were so concerned that you were inconveniencing people at the store by taking up a parking place for such a long time. That's the type of person you had become!
Now I am faced with longing for you the rest of my life. What if you had not been born? I'm not sure I can answer this question. Just as I cannot answer whether I want to be in a world without you in it."
- written April 9, 2008
No comments:
Post a Comment