The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
When I was at the Lake a few days ago I wrote down feelings that came to mind as I was walking. I was having a very difficult week and was very down. These ideas seemed so important and crystal clear at the time. Today I read them again and they seem to come from the deepest part of me. I am sharing them as this is part of my journey, and it may be a part of yours.
Don't want others to see me distressed. Would have to say why and how could anyone bear the pain? I feel so alone in it when I talk I try to hide my pain. I am constantly swallowing large, hard lumps. No matter how I try to frame it I know you were not ready to go. How can I let go of what was when without it is emptiness?
The ones who cry with me are the ones who have loved and do love so deeply. It's this all consuming love that allows us to grieve. My tears are still love, with echoes of you.
It was moving underneath my feet but it did not speak to me.