The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Photo by Elliot
The following paragraph is a passage from the book Breaking Open by Elizabeth Lesser. It is a way of thinking that seems to manifest itself when you get to the bottom of the well, so to speak. While I can allow myself to feel deeply it is difficult for me to accept what has happened. To allow it to become a part of who I am. To allow it into my life and learn to live with it every screaming minute of every day. Does accepting my daughters death mean I am saying it's okay? Can the reality of it really make it bearable? I am not at the point where I can answer these questions, but the following words seem to hold some promise. There are people who have suffered the death of their whole family and have survived. I do know that suffering is the great equalizer. It makes you feel transparent, as if nothing can hide you from the world. Your only identity is that of a person suffering - your mind can think of and understand nothing else.
"Adversity is a natural part of being human. It is the height of arrogance to prescribe a moral code or health regime or spiritual practice as an amulet to keep things from falling apart. Things do fall apart. It is in their nature to do. When we try to protect ourselves from the inevitability of change, we are not listening to the soul. We are listening to our fear of life and death, our lack of faith, our smaller ego's will to prevail. To listen to the soul is to stop fighting with life - to stop fighting when things fall apart; when they don't go our way, when we get sick, when we are betrayed or mistreated or misunderstood. To listen to the soul is to slow down, to feel deeply, to see ourselves clearly, to surrender to discomfort and uncertainty, and to wait."
And so.......I wait.