CHOICES

Yesterday at the lake there were signs everywhere of Spring.
I want to believe there is beauty and rebirth in the future.

This was written to me by a friend: We are pulled into life, and pulled through it, yet we describe ourselves as doing this or that as if we have a choice to do something or not. Like water slamming against a boulder before flowing around it, we careen from obstructions in our lives, but despite them, our lives flow on - a greater force compels us. Nothing stands still; not in life, and not in death. There is no past, only a present account of the past. There is no future; only the anticipation of the future. The present is our reality. It incorporates history and anticipation. Time is the force that accumulates history. But we have consciousness; therefore, we have the choice of action, correctly regarding history and anticipating the future.

This is my response: This seems to be the common concensus in every meditative approach I read. I am just trying to understand how to keep going with the flow. I know I have no choice, I am here today. But my life is now nothing like what it was before and the anticipation within the present is lacking. When people talk about going on from disappointment and change I think they cannot possibly mean me. More than disappoint is loosing your joy for life. Something more though - the very fact I am afraid to voice thoughts of defeat and surrender lead me to believe I don't think anyone else can understand what is happening. Being empty seems to be something at least. A way to appreciate what was. But deep inside I don't think I will ever be able to feel a joy such as I had again. I know it is wrong to look back on what I had and not be glad that I had it. This is the one argument that keeps me going. I had joy. To be alive now is to remember it. Is this feeling strong enough to overcome the lack of it in the present moment? When the later is coupled with the horror of feeling the rest of my life without this joy THEN it becomes unbearable. I know I am at a cross road so to speak. I guess I am looking for some type of sign.