The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
SUCH AS TODAY
On mornings such as today I find myself a little lost. My heart aches for my daughter. For a brief moment I can hold her in my mind and heart and remember what it was like to have her by my side. I still have that swell of pride just thinking of her goodness. Her beautifully tender heart and brutally blatant drive to achieve the impossible. Her joy was to let go of conceived limitations and do what her soul told her she could. She relished the fight.
These feelings come to me so strongly every time I remember Kristy. The way I have coped with her loss has been to escape to the nearby lake and run. Being surrounded by the awe of nature has been a sort of substitute and a way of prolonging this feeling of being in her presence.
Some mornings like today are perfect with clear blue sky and lazy new sun. And I can't explain how some days I am guided back to the lake and some days I fear it. Today the lake looms large and I suppose I am just fearful it will not offer the solace I seek. I feel weak and disappointed with myself when this happens.
When I am weak I now know it will pass. This is what I have learned.