THE SHELTERING TREES

Yesterday I went to see the memorial that was made for your grave site. It includes a beautiful photograph of you in porcelain and part of a poem you once wrote. I then wrote this for you.

The day is tiring and long

I'm going to sit here and rest

I'll stroke your memory in song

and hold it to my chest

It's raining outside I said

and our inner worlds did meet

with tiny hands of lead

driving a dreary beat

I stood again on the ground

where you will soon be laid

and thought about the sound

our laughing voices made

I'm falling to my knees

and the mist and you are one

just under the sheltering trees

where the rain is never done

"Shared pain is no longer paralyzing but mobilizing." Henri Nouwen

SLEEPING BEAUTY

The lake was beautiful today.....

TO THE LIVING

Inspired by James Ellroy

The dead claim the living

and mark their decline

before and after become

a narrative in time

You had her before

and now she is gone

her death begins then

and drags you along

The dead claim the living

and bestow a sad wreath

we are powerless to control

our hopelessness and grief

You cannot predict when

or where grief will come

but you know that the loss

cannot be undone

The dead claim the living

and tell us how we should live

if we stop and then listen

we may have to forgive

You want to move forward

with her love as the goal

to show her that death

cannot conquer the soul

The dead claim the living

an urgent call be not lost

so you honor this child

you seek good at all cost

Your love of her presence

cannot vanquish your fears

and the beauty of her life

is nourished with tears

The dead claim the living

through visions yet seen

of the horror they endured

and dreams they won't dream

Yet your love is so precious

so solid and real

through memories of her

your heart dares to heal

DREAMING OF PICKLES

Dear Kristy,

How's things. Today was pretty boring until the postman came to the door and gave us the mail. You know how that upsets me. It didn't use to bother me but Karma started barking at him and it really seemed like the thing to do. Now I can't stand it and we really bark loud. Is that bad?

You know what's strange is that we still get lots of mail with your name on it. Mostly nutrition catalogs and advertisements. But like your mom says, it's nice to see your name. It's a sad kinda sweet thing.

Oh yeah and here's something I was dreaming about last night. Remember when we spent the night at your house. There was this big black cat named Pickles that kept trying to get into your room. The door was closed and we could smell Pickles under the door. None of us got any sleep that night. Sorry we kept you awake Kristy. In my dream we caught Pickles and we did something I'm not too proud about. Maybe some day I'll tell you.

Hey, time to eat. Love, Jack

PEEP THIS

So I'm not sure everyone knows we have a music video out together. Just you and me. It's pretty rad and I love to watch it over and over. Here it is in case anyone wants to take a peep.

NOSE BITE

Hey Kristy - look at us! Remember when you used to carry me around all the time? Yeah I was pretty relaxed about it for sure. I just found this photo of us. You look so happy - but then when we were together you always did.

You're wearing your Choctaw T-shirt and it looks cool. Hey, you know how I would always chew on your nose? I never did it to anyone else but you. Even your mom tried to get me to do it but I never would. It was our little thing.

Some people think dogs don't remember. But we do. I dream about you all the time. In my dreams we are at the lake. Once you took me there and I got to run with you. I didn't do so well because I kept trying to jump on you instead of just running forward. I was only trying to tell you how happy I was. Now we will never get a chance to get it right. But I still have the memory.

Here's a big bite on your nose,

Jack

NEW FRIENDS

I'm missing you today

Dear Kristy,

Today I thought about you when I was on the back deck sunning myself. It's not too hot now so I get to lay out every now and then. Remember how sensitive my skin is? I still can't use any of that flea stuff so I have to get washed lots. Yeuch.

Guess what? I met some new dogs! They belong to Chris and they are even smaller than I am. But the great part is one of them is a girl. Yep - she likes me. Actually she's crazy about me. But you're still my number one.

They came over to play last night and we got to run around in the back yard when it was dark! Kinda like a party. If you were here I know they would love you just like I do. So where ever you are - here's a big kiss from me.

Oh yeah I remember what I wanted to tell you. Remember when you used to bring us special treats you got at Trader Joes? That was cool. And remember when you used to throw me back and forth on the sofa and the big stuffed chair like I was a rag doll? And I pretended like I was going crazy and ran around and around in a circle?

Those were the days. Jack

MY RED SWEATER

Me - in one of my many sweaters.

Hi Kristy - it's Jack again. I was thinking about you again while I was lying on the couch with my human. She misses you too. Sometimes I know she is sad and I think that is why she cries so much. I just try to look cuddly so she will hug me and that seems to make her feel better.

Anyway I was thinking about the red sweater you gave me. I still have it! It is one of my favorites. It used to belong to your stuffed moose and then you gave it to me. It used to belong to another dog for a short time - Sonya. You told me all about Sonya but I never did meet her. Thank you for telling me stories about her.

You were one of the few people who treated me like an equal. Even though I was on the street and ended up in a shelter you took pity on me. I will never be able to thank you enough. You changed my life! If I could smile I would, because you make me feel good.

Well gotta go. There are cats walking around the house and well - you know.

Jack

YOU KNEW

Dear Kristy,

It's Jack. I miss you. Remember when you used to come over all the time and make fun of me? I really didn't mind because I know you only said those things because you loved me. Even when you would call me Pee Rag because I wasn't potty trained and someone who will remain nameless put a diaper on me. Those were pretty scary days, huh?

Anyway did you find the dog toy I left beside the side of the road for you? It was the little purple one that you used to tease me with. Yeah, the one that looks like a girl's toy. I didn't mind when you said that either. You knew so much about what dogs like it was great.

Remember when you took me for a walk and let me off leash for the first time? I ran after some cows and you thought for sure I was gonna get kicked in the head. I remember how fun it was when you chased after me. After that you put the leash back on.

Even though I am just a dog I want you to know I loved you with all my heart. You made me happy when you gave me so much attention. I don't really know where you are but I think about you all the time. There are lots of pictures of you in the house. That's good.

Well that's all for today. I have to get caught up on my nap time. I will write more later.

Jack

POSTCARD FROM THE EDGE

Jack and Karma are our two dogs. Kristy loved them very much, especially Jack who was our rescue dog. When she was away they would both send emails to her. Here is one from Karma expressing her frustration over Jack (in the red sweater above):

KRISTY - HELP US. NOBODY WILL PLAY WITH US NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE. THEY KEEP US LOCKED UP IN THE HALLWAY ALL DAY. I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A PAIN IN THE BUTT THIS JACK IS. ALL HE DOES IS BITE MY ASS ALL DAY. HE NEEDS TO GET A LIFE.....SOME DAYS I JUST WANT TO KNOCK HIM THE HELL IN THE HEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN??

LIKE HE THINKS HE IS SOOOO CUTE. ALL HE DOES IS BITE THAT CRAZY WOMAN AND THE GUY ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT LIVE HERE WITH US? YEAH, THOSE TWO. THE ONE WHO TALKS LIKE WE'RE BABIES ALL THE TIME. I HATE THAT SO MUCH. WHY DO YOU THINK I AM THROWING UP ALL THE TIME? ANYWAY, JACK JUST KISSES UP TO THEM ALL THE TIME SO HE GETS ALL THE TREATS AND STUFF. BUT GUESS WHAT! ALL THE POOP THEY FIND IN THE CORNER - LET'S JUST SAY ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS. REVENGE IS MINE KRISTY. I WILL GET THAT DIRTY JACK. HE CANNOT ESCAPE MY WRATH.....

NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. WHAT ABOUT TREATS? HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT LATELY AS TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BRING ME? MAKE SURE IT IS WAY BIGGER THAN WHAT YOU BRING THAT BRAT JACK. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? GIRL POWER AND ALL. AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I WON'T POOP IN YOUR ROOM.

SERIOUSLY - WE NEED A REAL REALITY CHECK HERE.

LET US OUT. WHAT AM I SAYING - LET ME OUT. (BLANK) JACK!

SKY CRY

So the sky came to claim you

as you opened your eye

now I know where to find you

and I hear the sky cry

EYE IN THE SKY

I remember the times we'd play

"I spy with my little eye"

I'd guess what you were

you said you were sky.

AN INFINITE SCALE

The following is from a Newsweek essay written by James Ellroy. It is about a young girl who recently died. To me it is profoundly accurate and articulates the power of the dead over the living.

The dead claim the living and begin the process by marking their departure in time. Before and after become crucial narrative lines. Hypothesis runs crazy as enforced logic fails to explain the viciousness and banality of fate.

The dead claim the living and extend the process through the imposition of grief. It is the juncture of powerlessness and harrowing loss. Byroads of guilt and rage lead to the assignment of blame, the desire for vengeance, and the embrace of the preposterous notion of closure. Bereavement is inherently ambiguous and unique to each carrier of grief. The time lines vary. The emotional arc is wholly unpredictable. Powerlessness and the corresponding sense of loss obliterate all attempts to blame and all planned forays of vengeance. This is entirely as it should be. This is the living telling the dead how much they are loved and how irretrievable the loss of them is. This is communion of the highest spiritual form.

The dead claim the living through imagined repetition of the horror they endured. This is shock therapy as higher calling. The loss of their corporeal love teaches us to love on an infinite scale.

The dead claim the living and tell us how to live. It is imperative that we listen and adhere to their sanction. We are required to work toward probity and comport ourselves as though our lost ones are there with us. This call to virtue proves efficacious over time. We send messages to a spirit and get no material answer. There is only the assumption that she is there and we are here and we must not falter at our task. There is no human terror that the persistent application of love and devotional consciousness cannot transcend.

SUCH AS TODAY

On mornings such as today I find myself a little lost. My heart aches for my daughter. For a brief moment I can hold her in my mind and heart and remember what it was like to have her by my side. I still have that swell of pride just thinking of her goodness. Her beautifully tender heart and brutally blatant drive to achieve the impossible. Her joy was to let go of conceived limitations and do what her soul told her she could. She relished the fight.

These feelings come to me so strongly every time I remember Kristy. The way I have coped with her loss has been to escape to the nearby lake and run. Being surrounded by the awe of nature has been a sort of substitute and a way of prolonging this feeling of being in her presence.

Some mornings like today are perfect with clear blue sky and lazy new sun. And I can't explain how some days I am guided back to the lake and some days I fear it. Today the lake looms large and I suppose I am just fearful it will not offer the solace I seek. I feel weak and disappointed with myself when this happens.

When I am weak I now know it will pass. This is what I have learned.

THE DANGLING ROOT

small snapshots of time and loss

today I was able to laugh at a joke

I am now able to do many things

yesterday I dreamed my daughter

and she was again alive

I am inching back into a routine

climbing steps that do not lead to you

I am someone else now I realize

there is so much I need to learn

about this new person

I am not exactly a ghost

but part feeling and part asleep

part dead and part alive

the dangling root of a former life

dragging along crumbs of the past

THE TEMPLE

Your body is the place of every memory,

A privileged place, the junction of Matter,

Energy, Spirit, and Conscience,

The entire universe is in your body,

your body is a Temple.

- Amazonian oral tradition