The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
BITTER AFTER TASTE
Two years ago when you died I became a different person. It was a way to survive I think. I was broken open - my old self shattered into a million pieces. I will never be able to get them back. And I don't want to. Slowly I am examining my life. I am so used to walking around with tears in my eyes and feeling invisible. For the first year I thought if I exhausted myself through running everyday it would make life bearable. It did. my mind let go while I was running and I was able to feel again. When I stopped running and stood still I found the same questions were there. Where did she go? Will I ever be with her again? How do I go on?
So far the greatest peace I have achieved has been while sharing with others who have lost their own loved one. It's good to know others have survived having their hearts ripped out. And yes, they do grieve just as much as I. Why is this comforting? I don't want others to suffer. What I think is that trying to comfort another actually comforts yourself. It's what your heart is secretly trying to achieve in the back ground while you are busy grieving. I have heard myself saying things to someone else which have totally surprised me.
I have cried for hours alone in my room. Cries which were really screams. Primal screams - urgent - rasping - desperate. I have screamed until my throat has pounded raw and beaten within my core. Somewhere inside me I thought it would make a difference. Maybe it did, but it didn't make me feel any better. What it showed me was a depth of desperation so full and terrible that I knew there were parts of me I have never seen before.
Today my mind recreates images of Kristy all the time. When I least expect it. A few days ago I was dazzled by the bright sun light and a girl stepping into my presence. Her silouette was so familiar. The same strong legs, confident stride...same hair pulled back right to the nape of her neck. She was graceful and assured. That moment exploded in my mind. The joy of being in Kristy's presence was so over whelming. The after taste so bitter, I burst into sobs. Why can't I come to accept your death? What part of me am I giving up if I do? What part of me am I giving up if I don't?