The following entries (from beginning runner to half marathon finisher) represents a continuing journey of tremendous grief and sorrow, and of transformation - largely through the therapeutic power of running. The sorrow that has broken my heart open wide has in time allowed me to experience the beauty of being in the present moment. And of course, without the support of family and friends to guide me, I would not have made it this far.

If you have lost someone in your life, I offer these words and verse (some Kristy's, some mine and others) with the hope it may touch your heart and help you heal.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Yesterday I was listening to NPR as I painted. A woman named Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno was talking about a book of poems she had written called "Slamming Open the Door". These are poems written about the death of her daughter who was murdered six years ago.

As I listened to her poems I immediately identified with her descriptions of death, loss and grief. At a break they played a song which was played at her daughter's memorial. It was her daughter's favorite. I somehow knew when they said it was by Coldplay that it would be the same song we played at Kristy's memorial. It was the song Yellow.

The poems she read were brutally honest. They took me back to those first days when death is palpable - a living, breathing entity. I was inspired to sit down and write about how I felt. It has now been over a year since Kristy's death and I have learned to control my grief so I can function. Nevertheless I felt I needed to write something that bears more of my soul and my struggle to survive.

Today I sat down and wrote 6 poems. I did not stop to search for the right word. They were right there on the tip of my tongue. This was the first:


He was not wanted nor was he invited
You must bow to me now he said
I will never leave you alone
I will always be with you
And with that
the world changed

There was no discussion
There was no argument
At first a tightening grip
You think it hurts now?
It has only just begun

I am on your right hand
I am in your left ear
I have taken over your heart
I will live within your eyes
I will be your next breath

You are mine and I am yours
When you weep I am your tears
When you scream I am your voice
When you sleep I am your dream
And when you wake I am your love

I have taken that which you cherished
I own that part of you
You can look the other way
But I know no boundaries
There is no end to my desire