DANCING AT FORTY

Today you would be forty years old and I can imagine you being here. You would be strong, resilient and brave. You would be compassionate and open. And I hope above all else you would be dancing. You are always with me Kristy, a part of me so deep we shall never escape. I will not spend my life grieving but will go forward with gratitude. I still shed tears but as I hold you in my heart we are smiling at each other at last.

CORNERS

Today, as always, I am yours....

THE GAME

like a game of solitaire
my mind keeps moving the pieces
it doesn't have time to stop
think
wonder

because i think about you
and i think about the ones
you loved

the game plays out
and each move tells the story

only i can't hit
replay

it takes place instead in my dreams
when you are here
and then you are not

but yet i dream
and play the hand
over and over

whether i win or
whether i loose
the game goes on
and on

sometimes i rest

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY

Today was your birthday. I was working today when Pandora played the song "Yellow".  How could it be a coincidence? I realized it's getting easier to hear this song.  I felt the lump in my throat and the tears swelling in my eyes, but I decided to think of how much I love you instead of how much I miss you. It helped get me though. You fill me.

Look at the stars

look how they shine for you

and all the things you do

And you were all yellow

JUST YOU

my mind is constantly writing

a letter to you

not a postcard or a memo

but a manuscript

It is never ending

with no beginning

it's just

you

YOU ARE BOTH

It happened in an instant

they said you were gone 

They said they couldn't save you

it was an ocean of waiting

I didn't expect those words

I sat and my mind went blank

I was numb as a rag doll

limp as my breath

That moment in time was

both the beginning and the end

When the worlds collide it is a rebirth

nothing is ever the same 

The past memories of you are always

a blink behind my eyes

The future is always stalking me

a shimmer in the curtain

You are a new memory every day

For you have never left me

You have never been forgotten

You are my most 

sacred 

heart

MILE MARKER 1

This granite stone sits in my garden with words from one of your poem

It has been nearly two years since I ran at the lake. Two years ago I had what they thought was a blood clot in my brain and I spent 3 days in ICU. I was just about ready to leave the house for the lake when it happened. A blinding pain that took away everything and brought me to my knees. As I lay in my hospital bed there was a strange calm. I remember thinking I had wished I could die to escape the pain of your loss so many times before and now I felt a sense of serenity and even freedom. Whatever would be, would be.

Today I went back to the lake. It was seven in the morning and no one else was around. The sun was just gaining strength and it was beautiful and calm. I ran to the mile marker where there is a granite rock memorial to "Jessica - The Running Girl".  Jessica was killed by a car as she was crossing the highway on her way to a run. She died on August 14, 2007 - only a few months before you did. There is a lovely quotation from Mother Theresa on the rock.

I know it's a small step - this early morning run. I have had so many reasons for not going. Pretty soon I didn't even need a reason any more because it just became the new normal.  It has been six years now and many things have become routine. Yet this day lurks in my mind all year and when it is practically spring time I am reminded there is also death, another marker of time. Time spent remembering you and trying to show you how much I love and miss you.

Of all the things I remember about you Kristy the thing I most admire is your kindness and your determination.  These things made you who you were. A strong and sensitive person. Today as I ran I remembered these things. My legs hurt and my heart hurt, but I made the two miles. I feel close to you when I run and I don't want to keep making excuses for things I think I cannot do.

Thanks for the kick in the pants. I will try to do better. I love you, mom.

FITFUL STILL

One of your poems in your own handwritting.  It seems fitting for today as I remember you in dreams that are "fitful still." My own heart beats in your chest my darling just as yours does in mine. You are never far from my thoughts - and I know you have changed the lives of so many. We all remember you - your strength and vulnerability. Everything around me reminds me of you. Today I will smile as I dream a dream of you. One day we once again dream together.

Happy Birthday Kristy

Today I celebrate your life Kristy
We will eat pumpkin pie and think of you
Maybe I'll even scoop it out of the shell
and not bother with the crust
Just like you used to do

yum

I miss you dear
You are always in my thoughts
I aspire still to be as brave as you were
To push as hard
Love as hard
and
never give up

mom

Four Years Later

Laurissa and I talked about you today

You are here in our hearts

and though they ache we can still smile

when we remember you.

My spectacular daughter