KEEP SHINING

I witnessed the wonder of the moon in eclipse last night and could not help but think of you Kristy. As the moon was enveloped in shadow I saw it change. It was blinding in it’s white light and very very slowly became more and more subdued. But I knew, like everyone else watching, it would eventually be restored to it’s original ferocity. How appropriate it happened on your birthday, this reminder that we are all in a process of change and transformation. Yes, you are not here with me but I sincerely believe you are still passing through me. You have changed me and made me in many ways who I am today. And I am still changing because of this. You brought me so much joy as a child and as an adult. It was not always easy as we were both changing during our journey - both apart and together. Today as always you are moving through me. Who and what I am is and has been transformed because of you. I will look at the moon in a now way from now on. Travel on my love. Keep shining. 

13 YEARS LATER

Today I hung another piece of blue glass outside. Now there are 13. They shine and sparkle like twinkling  eyes. I am thinking how fortunate I am to know you as a daughter, a friend, and a teacher. I see you in others all the time. In the generosity of my sister. In the humor of my brother. In the abilities of your sister. And in the wisdom of your seven year old nephew Ave. Part of us is with you and part of you is with us. So it shall ever be.

Reflections on Grief and Going Forward

 

Lake Cabot Where Kristy Ran

I wrote this to a friend today, reflecting on Kristy and my journey of the last 12 years...

"I have felt profound regret for many things. Some so trivial it was only a way I think to allow myself a diversion from the bigger picture. I still remember the day I finally decided to hold on to something besides the pain. It was while driving to work at the gallery in Prescott with tears blinding my eyes. I was so accustomed to the lump in my throat and the overwhelming pressure of denial that it had become a symbol of my love for Kristy. Without it what would I replace it with? Acceptance seemed impossible. 

Funny though that in my dreaming moments when I wake or go to sleep I still remember my regrets. The times I could have, should have still haunt me. Not the times I made her happy, but the times I disappointed her. But I kept coming back to the facts... I loved her. She was. She lived and loved and was truly alive. 

I remember soon after her death when I was closing out her bank account and the banker said, "Well at least you know she is now with God and has no more pain." I was incensed. I immediately replied, "She did not believe in God and neither do I." I now realize it was cruel of me and unnecessary. But these things stay in your mind. I also remember feeling more alive (though not always in a good way) than I ever had. The lines between dimensions had been blurred. I saw Kristy in unexpected places. I knew she was seeing things through my eyes. I felt life and I felt death. My heart was ruptured and was filled with strange new feelings and experiences I could not explain.

I have grieved her as a part of me and I have accepted now the reality of her death. Today I am utterly amazed at my friends who celebrate their loved ones graduation to the spirit realm. This is not who I am yet, though I am closer now than I was 12 years ago.

I feel that continuing to allow myself to exhibit grief at this point is an act of selfishness and prevents me from being truly open to those around me. It must seem as a constant complaint to many as there are only so many times you can say you are sorry. What I do feel strongly is that it allows me to feel compassion for those who have also lost their children. I will never consider offering consolation to them as unnecessary. It is a different person who goes forward after this type of loss. Taking their hand is like giving your love to both the griever and the grieved, and it is my way of honoring Kristy as well."

Running Without a Leash

We remember you today - Jack and I. 

Jack is now 14 years old and has a hard 

time seeing. But I know he still

dreams of you. In his dreams he is a puppy and you 

are running together at Lake Chabot.

Jack tries to catch a cow. That results in 

the leash being put on again. Oh well, it

was worth a try. 

Kristy understood.

RUSHING AWAY

I thought this verse was speaking to you today -- but I think maybe it is speaking to me.

 Lyrics by Agnes Obel

Oh my one, rushing away

With a bag full of bones

I know the place you left

Still won’t leave you alone

Anchor in My Heart

Eyes like two comets

hands like an anchor in my heart

oh to be drifting

like a drunken flower beast

beating my wings against the comforting breeze

Do you see me now?

are you piercing through the night

with a thousand glittering eyes

or a moon shadow watering the ground

Your heart the tangled forest

damp and swollen, nearly bursting

speak to me again my love

breathe yourself into my heart

let me rest my head on your shores

For KG  Aug 2009

PS. I miss you

BLACK PLASTIC AND IRON BONES

Yesterday, while going through an old box, I found this scribbled on a piece of paper. It made me smile as I could feel the tears forming.  I wrote this upon receiving the box with your ashes.

11 YEARS LATER

Look over your shoulder 

I will be there

Feel the wind in your face

Hold my hand with your smile

The road is ahead

though I can’t see the end

I know you will wait

NOTHING IN HASTE

A rush to the head, a breath torn apart
the eyes of the world, and eyes of my heart

I feel you in love and even in haste
A leading line straight with nothing to waste


Happy Birthday my love.  Forty-one years young.

10 YEARS

I have endured the last 10 years without you. You are with me still, not even death can diminish you.